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Living Secretive Lives 
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"Coming out" is sometimes criticized by non-gay people as a blatant 
in-your-face flaunting of one's sexuality. The opposite of coming out, though, 
is remaining in, being closeted. This means one must actively chose to hide aspects of their life that might reveal their sexuality. This includes which books 
or magazines one has on a bookshelf or coffee table, as well as having only 
one parent listed at the daycare and that parent being the one solely 
responsible to pick up the child, or attend appropriate meetings. 
One divorced mother of three, became involved with another woman when 
her children were between 8 and 15. In what was an otherwise open home
environment, her partner lived as a housemate in a basement room, and 
only came upstairs to sleep after the kids were asleep. The women never 
showed any signs of affection in front of the children. They did share 
household chores and finances, and the children were close to their mother's "friend". This arrangement was supported by the woman's therapist 
who thought it would be too hard on the children during their adolescence to 
have a lesbian mother. The relationship eventually ended (and with that kind 
of pressure it is no surprise). Years later when the mother 'confessed' about 
the relationship to her children she discovered that they had always 
suspected, and were angry that she had been too ashamed to admit it. 
They told her how painful it was when her "friend" moved out. Since they 
didn't have a label for this person's role in their lives, they also had no way 
to understand their grief and confusion when the relationship ended. 
Another couple has been lovers for over 10 years, although both live in 
platonic relationships with their husbands. The families are best friends, 
and they maintain this secret relationship because they believe it is best for 
one woman's 12 year old son. Situations like these are more common than 
many people realize. One can only wonder if living with secrecy, lies, and 
adultery is better for a child, than to struggle to understand that two women 
who he has known and loved his whole life, love one another deeply. 
Sometimes parents are out to their children, but ask the children to be 
secretive as a way to protect the family. Obviously asking children to collude 
in a lie can create a great deal of confusion. Children often don't understand 
the political, social or legal ramifications of their parents choices. A young 
child who is asked to hide a gay relationship from their other (non-custodial)
parent or a teacher may develop anxiety or sleep disturbances while s/he 
tries to do the "right thing", but is unsure exactly what the right thing is. 
Young children's concept of honesty is simply black and white, and they may 
feel emotionally torn in the grey area of changing social mores. 
As many gay parents have noted, having children often puts people in contact 
with many institutions (i.e. schools, daycare, hospitals) where one must 
decide whether or not to be out. The alternative to being out and honest is to 
lie or avoid the topic. "She's my friend" or "He's my roommate" some gay 
people will say. However, the school administrators will not release a sick 
child to a "friend", and physicians cannot recognize the medical requests 
of a "roommate". 
Although coming out can be a courageous and planned action (as Ellen 
Degeneres has modeled), more often it is in doing the simple day to day life 
tasks that one must make an intentional effort to not be out in order to not 
be obvious. Is the lesbian couple with their two children who are shopping in 
the supermarket blatantly flaunting their "lifestyle", or are they merely taking 
care of a chore? If one calls the other "honey" is that a militant act or an
expression of caring that all couples exhibit? Why do gay couples have a 
"lifestyle" and not simply a life? 
Coming out, in the sense I am using the word, is simply the act of gay 
people being honest about themselves and their relationships. It is choosing 
to not hide or deny how deeply we love each other and our children, and 
expecting to be treating just like other couples and families. Coming out 
means being visible. The price for being visible is that gay people can be 
more easily targeted; the price for being invisible is that gay people , 
and our families, disappear. 
In reality, approximately 1/3 of lesbian women are mothers ( only slightly 
lower than heterosexual women) and there are about one million gay fathers , 
and researchers estimate that there are 6 million children currently being raised 
in gay homes. Despite these numbers we are rarely represented in magazines 
or on television. This means our children, and our parents (i.e. our children's
grandparents) do not see other families that look like us, which deprives as all 
of role models and increases our isolation.