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Gay Parenting: Just Like All Parenting (Almost) 
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In many ways the issues gay parents face are identical to the issues all 
parents face. Gay parents are no less exhausted at the 5 a.m. feeding, they 
are no less concerned when their child's fever registers at 104 degrees, and 
their couple relationships (including their sex lives) are no less challenged by 
the busyness of working and day care, dinner and laundry, and all of the
complexities of family life. Lesbian moms and gay dads are as overwhelmed 
about money, and as frightened about teenage substance abuse as any 
other parent. Gay parents need to balance housework and careers, find
appropriate day care, and good pediatricians. Single gay parents, like all 
single parents, need to turn to family or friends for help, or face these 
challenges alone. 
There are, however, powerful differences. Lesbian and gay parents are never 
able to forget that they are a minority among parents, and like all minorities 
face certain prejudices and stereotypes. Many people -- school officials and
lawyers, social service agencies and medical doctors -- may be offended by 
or hostile to same sex couples. Gay men and lesbians desiring to be parents 
are dependent on the compassion of social workers and medical personnel. 
One lesbian having difficulty conceiving was told by a physician that he would 
only consider working with her if she underwent a psychological evaluation. 
A gay male couple was told by an adoption agency that only one parent 
could legally adopt since they were of the same sex, and only that parent would 
be included in the home study, despite the fact they'd lived together for a 
decade, and that the non-adoptive parent was planning to be at home 
full-time with the child. 
In the absence of institutional validation (i.e. domestic partnership and 
same-sex adoption legislation) gay and lesbian couples must develop 
extensive legal documentation to ensure the protection of their family. 
My partner carries power of attorney papers in her pocket at all times that 
clearly state her legal right to make medical decisions for our son should the 
need ever arise. My will outlines my wishes to give her legal custody of our 
son in the event of my death. In a heterosexual family, a medical doctor 
would automatically assume both parents rights to make medical decisions. 
A heterosexual parents' right to custody of her child in the event of the death 
of a spouse would not even come under the scrutiny of a court system. 
As dramatic as some of the legal and medical obstacles are, social difficulties 
can be equally difficult. One lesbian mother said, "Before my daughter's new 
friend had a sleep-over, I made sure to come out to her parents. Her family 
was great about it but I wouldn't want to take the risk that they were 
homophobic; there is no telling what kind of rumors they could start." 
Gay and lesbian parents need to continually deal with 'coming-out' to 
their children's friends and their parents. Teachers may not have had 
experience with same-sex parents and may believe stereotypes and myths 
about gay people. Although research has consistently shown that gays are 
less likely to be child molesters than heterosexual men, a well-positioned 
person who is misinformed or intentionally homophobic can cause tremendous
damage. 
Even if we do not believe the old myths and stereotypes about gay people, 
many of us have questions about these new family forms. The first time I was 
with two gay fathers and their newly adopted infant daughter, I remember
thinking, "But, whose going to change the diapers"? although I of course know 
that men can change diapers, somehow the thought that they would change 
them All-The-Time seemed doubtful.