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Living Open Lives 
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When gay couples choose to live more open lifestyles they have to face 
blatant hostility from some people; more often homophobia is subtle. Gay 
parents are asked, "Which one of you is the real parent." Assumptions are 
made that children of gay people are more likely to be gay, although all of 
the research has shown this to be untrue. (We must also note here the subtle
homophobia in assuming that if children were more likely to be gay if they had 
gay parents then it would be okay to prevent gay families.) 
Sometimes very well-meaning people are nervous and uncomfortable around 
out gay parents. Our day care teacher wasn't sure how to address our
sons 'Valentine's Day card. "Does he call you both mom?", she asked 
nervously-- once I assured her it was okay to ask. It was somehow more 
difficult to ask my family how we were identified then perhaps it would've been 
to ask the parent of a step-child, or custodial grandparents. Even in 
heterosexual homes children do not necessarily call their parents mom and dad.;
some children call their parents by their given names. 
All families are different from one another. Simple things such as what we call 
one another, to the more complex issues of how we divide chores, will vary 
from family to family. Depending on the family, gay parents may take turns 
going to parent-teacher conferences, or go together, or one may be more 
active in the child's school performance -- just like other parents. In single 
gay parent families, it means the child may talk about dad's date, or mom's 
new girlfriend (and may be thrilled, or resentful, --like all other dating parents). 
Living open lives means that we choose not to hide the uniqueness of our families.
When strangers ask me, "Is this your kid?", I know that they may be confused
when I answer, "He's our child." Sometimes people will look at me, and then 
my partner, and then back at me, trying to understand what I am saying. 
It is my experience that people quickly assimilate the information and deal with 
us respectfully and kindly. I think this in part because we are comfortable with
ourselves and our family. 
Recently, our local gay community hosted a program for children of gay parents.
When her mom asked her what she thought of the event, one little girl who had
been raised by lesbian parents asked, "Why did they keep saying it's hard to 
come from families like ours? Nothing is hard about our family; we have lots 
of fun." 
In gay families where children are raised without shame and feel comfortable
about themselves and their parents, children learn to deal with prejudice and
homophobia. Children only feel that their families are less than "normal" if 
they are told that. Despite social awkwardness and the sluggishness of
bureaucratic change, gay parents experience the same joys that all parents 
do. Despite all of the difficulties we face, the research continually shows that 
our children grow up well adjusted and with intact self-esteem. 
Regardless of one's personal or religious beliefs, the children of gay parents 
will be attending school and playing on the soccer field with the children of 
eterosexual parents. As parents we will be attending the same school plays 
and field trips. Perhaps someday our adult children might marry each other 
and we will be members of the same extended family. What messages do we 
want to send our children to help them adjust? How can we educate our families 
to feel comfortable with diversity? How are we prepared to address the
homophobia our children will experience? 
All parents have hopes and dreams for their children. One hope we all have is 
for our children to be accepted among their peers. As parents we must all 
work together so that our children are comfortable with diversity, and for a 
future where loving our children is the strongest bond that parents can share with
one another.